“Lifting for Looting” – Your exercise guide for Maximum Riot Performance.

Posted: August 11, 2011 in Our Philosophy, Uncategorized

Questionable morales, zero intelligence and a tiny rabbit dick? You’ve found the perfect workout to get yourself out of the house and into a jail cell this summer!

Just ahead, you’ll find a step-by-step guide to getting yourself into peak shape for looting Debenhams and grabbing yourself the finest in pre-musky clothing goods for elderly women(because hey, it’s a riot, bro!) all the while finally getting that 15 minutes of fame via the numerous pictures and videos that are scooping up scum bag criminals left, right and centre. So, what’s the basis behind this work out?

I’ll cover the regime over 3 chapters – just remember that this workout is designed with the most important principle in Strength and Conditioning in mind – SPECIFICITY. This is NOT to be attempted by Joe Public, only those brave enough to take to the streets to “get their taxes back”.

————

Chapter 1 – Lifting heavy stuff

Movement 1 – The Front Squat

The Front Squat is essential in developing Maximum Riot Performance (MRP) as it has immense carry over, not just in picking up heavy stuff, but sprinting from the boys (and girls) in blue! I’ve blogged previously about my admiration of the front squat, but alas, times change – the technique I described is way out dated! In order to make massive gains in MRP, you MUST start lifting no lighter than three times your bodyweight, right off the bat! Think about it this way – do you get to warm-up before a riot? NO. Do you want to get CRAZZZZY strong? YES! How do we do that? Heavy ass front squats performed in three easy steps.

1. From the standing position with your elbows high and the bar resting across your anterior deltoids, bend over as much as possible at the hips, whilst rounding your spine. (Think touching your toes with your nose)
2. From this safe and balanced position, begin bending at the knees.
3. Stand up from wherever you’ve landed (it’s not important, the point is that you are as courageous as possible when bending over at the hips) and go back to your starting position.

Movement 2 – The Deadlift

I harp on about the Deadlift in almost every post I make – rest assured, this is no different. The Deadlift is as close to looting specific as an exercise can be (and therefore ESSENTIAL to MRP development).  I’ve given some excellent descriptions before courtesy of Mark Rippetoe  – again, time has changed and that goon is over rated. Here’s how to Deadlift for MRP.

1. Stand with your shins 1ft away from the bar – place your feet wherever you like. Grab in bar in a double underhand grip. It is essential to hunch your back as much as possible to ensure you’re using the maximum amount of musculature.
2. Push a little with your legs to assist heaving the weight up past your knees with your back.
3. Assuming you’re not crippled, look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself that you are a bin raiding douche bag.
4. Wallow in self pity or kill yourself.
5. Back to the starting position.

I recommend doing 49 reps with as many sets as it takes to make you infertile.

Movement 3 – Bench Press/Farmer’s Walk Supersets.

Benching may not be as specific as you might think, but it’s certainly useful when developing the strength to push other heroes out of the way whilst marching towards Starbucks – God only knows why, but the thought process probably began with joking about needing a strong coffee following random acts of arson at a cat and dog home – that’s a sure fire way to tell the government you’re mistreated, right? As for Farmer’s Walks, you pick up heavy stuff and walk with it. MRP FTW! GET BIG GUNZ! RAZOR SHARP ABZ!

Benching with a spotter is for pussies – begin with a light weight (approx 2x bodyweight). Get someone to assist you in lifting the weight off the hooks, ensuring they immediately run like hell away from the testosterone epicentre that is your enormous bust right after the weight is in your control. For maximum MRP development, the barbell should descend in line with your neck.

Assistance work:

Bicep curls – keep those guns pumped for those Kodak moments.

FLEX!

————

 Chapter 2 – Beating up the innocent!

What could be more specific than swinging a club around to develop MRP?

In order to make sure that 70 year old shop owner won’t dare try to defend his hard earned cash ever again, get yourself training with Indian Clubs!
These remarkable pieces of equipment were created for the sole purpose of riot preparation. I recommend using these to practice bat wielding with your friends!

Try our “Focus Exercise” to develop brutal strength and accuracy in all weapon wielding situations. Again, it’s SUPER easy…

1. Get yourself into a baseball bat swinging position, holding the club firmly with both hands.
2. Aim directly for the side of a living target’s cranium – fellow looters make GREAT training partners.
3. Drive with the legs, rotate through the hips and torso and BAM! Follow your target to the ground and continue your batting practice.
4. Continue until target convulsing has ceased. That way both you AND your bro can make notable gains in MRP from the work of only one man!  Trust me, I read books and stuff.

The same workout can be carried out with a variety of equipment, for example a sledgehammer, curtain pole, exhaust pipe or toaster.

Assistance work:

Bicep curls. Well, why the fuck not?

————

Chapter 3 – Nutrition for MRP (SCIF)

Those of you in the fitness world will likely be aware of a growing trend – intermittent fasting. For your average individual, it’s an effective way to lose weight and maintain/gain muscle…but rioters are not average individuals by any stretch of the imagination!

For the riot based intermittent fasting approach (Street Certified Intermittent Fasting), some fine adjustments are made.

Meals are to consist purely of 2×4 sized salt blocks, licked consistently throughout a 12 hour period (10am – 10pm). During this time, there is to be ZERO fluid intake, as this interrupts the adaptations occurring in your electrolyte balance, which would VASTLY decrease progress in MRP gaining.

The programme should be performed for no less than 10 days.

Key point – losing consciousness and/or calling for an ambulance/seeking medical attention at any point is for “haters”. Don’t be a hater.

Assistance work:

Bicep curls.  *poker face*

————

In conclusion I’d like to state, yet again, that this regime is specific to looters – it can be applied in a variety of forms and is NOT specific to those participating in the shameful events that are spreading throughout England.

Come anywhere near my house and I will cut you.

Happy training, folks!

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Comments
  1. Adam Lamotte says:

    Hi Sean

    Long time reader here. I’ve never posted before. But, this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in ages.

    Thanks for the laugh and keep up your awesome work.

    Thanks

    Adam

    • Hey Adam,

      Cheers for the feedback mate – I had a look at your blog!
      You’ve detailed a really good insight into what makes people tick (Motivation/Determination).

      Keep it up!

      Sean

  2. eaststrength says:

    Hahaha, this is fantastic stuff, like this blog I do.

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